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You too may be able to be a Cop:
DO YOU...
  • * Enjoy intimidating others?
  • * Have a small penis?
  • * Like fast food and donuts?
  • * Like to feel superior to the common ilk around you?
  • * Secretly dream of being able to beat up poor minority men and get away with it?
  • * Want to make a lot of money by intimidating others?
IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO THESE QUESTIONS, THEN YOU MAY QUALIFY TO BE:

!!! *** A POLICE OFFICER *** !!!!
READ CAREFULLY:
*THIS IS NOT A SCAM!*
Check these figures out:

  • Studies have shown that the *NUMBER ONE* way to keep the people of this nation under the government's thumb is the blatant and strategic placement of LOTS OF FUCKING PIGS!!! (PIG meaning Pride Integrity Guts, mind you).
  • People outnumber cops by more than 1000 to 1!! Cash in on this high demand!!!
  • In just ONE HOUR of operating a Speed Trap and ensnaring innocent civilians, the average police officer can net over $5,000 in fines!! Imagine!! $5,000 an hour for doing what you love: Eating donuts, intimidating middle aged housewives, threatening young kids.... AND MORE... COULD YOU THINK OF ANYTHING BETTER???

And don't worry about nasty criminals.. Our PROVEN PROGRAM makes it possible for you do ONLY what you love without having to worry about actually protecting people! Imagine-- A fun-filled day of pushing people around, making big $$$, and hanging out at fast food restaurants looking macho!! IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU!!

AND NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, you do *NOT* need to spend your valuable time in "Police Academy", or even bother to enlist in a local law enforcement agency!! That's right!!

*** Announcing: ***

THE DO-IT-YOURSELF PIG KIT!
Includes:

  • Official Manuals: "I WANNA BE A REDNECK", "HOW TO WORK AROUND THE CONSTITUTION", "HOW TO PROPERLY INTIMIDATE", and at NO EXTRA CHARGE:
    "CAN I BE A DICK TOO? ...YOU BET!"
  • A COMPLETE UNIFORM including: Three shirts, three trousers, reconditioned handcuffs, a unique faux police badge and a REALLY BIG GUN!!
  • A fully loaded 1986 Ford Crown Victoria sedan with: Police lights, a big engine to run people down with, a life-like "Li'l Copper" police radio, and more! (Customized police markings can be added for an additional charge)
  • FREE: 1,000 Parking Tickets & 1,000 E-Z-FORM(tm) Speeding Tickets!!!
  • SPECIAL BONUS: **LIFETIME VIP PASS** for DUNKIN DONUTS and JACK-IN-THE-BOX!!

What others are saying about "THE DO-IT-YOURSELF PIG KIT":
"At first I was skeptical. Me? A cop? I thought with that nasty incident when I beat up that damn nigger that I couldn't ever be a cop!! But The DO-IT-YOURSELF PIG KIT has allowed me to do what I really want!! And I'm making over $30,000 a day doing what I love!! Beating up niggers!"
- J.C. Bent Crotch, WY
"To think just months ago I was a loser hanging out in a honky-tonk and picking fights with guys smaller than me!! Now, I'm making more than anyone working just a few hours a day beating up guys smaller than me!! This program really works great!"
- D.R. Fucksticks, NB
"After being kicked out of security guard school, I thought I'd never amount to anything! The DO-IT-YOURSELF PIG KIT has given me back my self-respect and gives me the chance to do what I love: Acting big and tuff and frightening people!!"
- B.M. Buttstink, MI
JOIN THE OVER 5 MILLION SATISFIED CUSTOMERS, TODAY!!!! FOR ONLY 50 EASY PAYMENTS OF $1,500 YOU TOO CAN EXPERIENCE THE DREAM OF YOUR LIFETIME!!
CALL 1-900-LUV-PIGS TODAY!!
($24.95 1st minute, $15.00 ea add'l. Must be 18 or older)
FOR INFORMATION ABOUT THESE **EXCITING** OPPORTUNITIES: CALL 1-800-SCREW-ME !!

Copyright (C)1995 Fast Eddy's Entrepreneur Institute. All rights reserved.

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