'Twas the night before Christmas, an all through the block,
Not a creature was stirring, not even Ed Kotch.
The stockings were hung, by the furnace with care.
In hopes that by morning, they'd all still be there.
Me an this skank, were just getting ready for bed.
I wore pajamas, she had a paper bag for her head.
When up on the roof, I heard a big crash,
I thought it was a burglar, I was gonna kick ass!
I went out on the fire escape, looked up in the sky,
An what did I see, but this freakin fat guy!
With a red suit and boots, that came up to his knees,
In the moonlight he looked, just like Dom DeLouise.
He had a big sled, being pulled by reindeer.
He called one of them Dancer, so I assumed he was queer.
As he crept off the roof, it became clear to me,
That this guy was lookin, to steal my TV!
Over his shoulder, he had a big sack.
He came down the stairs, while I planned my attack.
I waited a second, till the time it seemed ripe.
Bopped him on the head, * botta bing * with a pipe!
He fell to the floor, with a groan and a thud.
I was kinda surprised, that I didn't see blood.
Instead he rolled over, looked me in the eye.
When I saw who I'd hit, I near started to cry.
I said "Hey 'yo Santa, I'm sorry all right?"
"Not for nuttin" he said, "but this just ain't my night!"
"I got lost in the Bronx, ran over some Nuns."
"Had a near miss by Kennedy, Rudolf's got the runs..."
"I'm out all freakin night, I'm bustin my hump."
"But I can't finish now, not with this lump!"
"So do me a favor, and be a real pal."
"Take over for me...be Santa Sal."
I say 'Yo! I'm from Brooklyn, I ain't right for the part.
But he says that Santa Claus, comes from the heart.
He made me a offer, I couldn't refuse.
Stop at every house....except for the Jews!
I got into the suit, jumped onto the sleigh,
Wondering just why it was, reindeer smelled that way.
Took off on my mission, didn't want to be late.
While old Nick spent the night, hosin' my date.
That night I was Santa, bringing kids joy and bliss.
And if you don't believe that...hey, jingle dis!
Since then I been with him, each year in the cold.
Riding shotgun with Santa, 'cause he's fat, and he's old.
I'm his number one helper, I been deputized.
So on this Christmas Eve, don't you be surprised.
If you hear a voice say, real loud and abrupt.
"Merry Christmas to all, thanks alot...eh - shutup!"