Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that
you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask
if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas.
Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy
when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say
"We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and
wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse
to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he
comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last
payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note
that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a
stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that
says, "For Santa. :("
Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When
Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They
always return to the scene of the crime."
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see
them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and
fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with
unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get
caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he
looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the
house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been
"trampled." Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Cut a big hole in your roof and cover it with a blanket, so that when
Santa tries to land on your roof his sleigh crashes into your living room.
Explain that you've been having problems with termites.
Set up your living room to look like a workshop, and have people dressed
up like elves making toys. When Santa comes, sneer and say, "What's the
matter? Afraid of a little competition?"
While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'll mind adjusting
your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him
move until the "commercial" comes on.
Put on a giant tree costume, and wear a sign that says, "Man-eating Tree
- Stay Back." When Santa comes, wave your arms angrily and chase him back up
Shovel all the snow off of your roof, and replace it with whipped cream.
Just when Santa is remarking how cute this is, light a bunch of firecrackers
and throw them onto the roof. The explosions should make quite a mess, and
maybe scare the reindeer away, too. If so, offer to loan Santa your car.
Scatter the parts of a disassembled bicycle around your living room. Get
Santa to help you put it together.
Make your own stockings to hang over the fireplace. Have pictures on
them of things like Santa getting hit in the head with a large rock, or Santa
catching his beard on fire.
Put a note that says, "For Santa" on a can that's labelled "Rat Poison."
Cross out the words "Rat Poison" and write "Yummy Cookies."
When Santa comes, act like you're wrapping Christmas presents. Have
boxes that say things on them like "Dead Elf" or "Human Skull." If Santa
asks, explain that they're for needy children.
Set up bowling pins in front of your fireplace. When Santa comes down
the chimney, throw the ball at him. Angrily tell him to get out of your
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come, and then put up
your fists and say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
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These all are jokes that we've had the good fortune of having other people
email to us or we've retrieved off the Internet. Over time, we've sent them on
to the subscribers of our various jokes lists.
Since we're talking some ten years of managing these emails lists, we've built
up a pretty sizeable (and FUNNY) collection of jokes. They cover pretty much
any category and topic that you can imagine; from clean jokes to dirty jokes
and most everything in between, including the much loved lawyer jokes and the
blonde jokes and the yo mama jokes as well as those redneck jokes.
Remember, we did NOT author them, but we did take the time to convert the text
files to html.
If you are certain of the authorship of any of these,
email us the author's name
along with relevant information on how we can verify that they truly are the
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