FROM: THE MANAGEMENT
SUBJECT: REVISED RETIREMENT POLICY
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under the plan, older employees will be asked to go on early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who
represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for
other jobs outside the company. Provided that they are being RAPED,
they can request a review of their employment records before actual
retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW
(Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy,
employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as
many times as the company deems appropriate.
If employees follow the above procedure, they will be entitled to HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure remaining younger employees that the
company will continue its policy of ensuring that employees are well
trained through Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The company
takes pride in the amount of SHIT employees receive. We have given
our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area. If an
employee feels that not enough SHIT is received on the job, an
appointment should be made with the appropriate first line manager.
First line managers are empowered to ensure that employees receive
all the SHIT they can stand.