FROM: THE MANAGEMENT

SUBJECT: REVISED RETIREMENT POLICY

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under the plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If employees follow the above procedure, they will be entitled to HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure remaining younger employees that the company will continue its policy of ensuring that employees are well trained through Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area. If an employee feels that not enough SHIT is received on the job, an appointment should be made with the appropriate first line manager. First line managers are empowered to ensure that employees receive all the SHIT they can stand.