Orgasms are for the MEEK! *THE ANDGASM* is the way to go

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From: pkitty@netcom.com (Purple Kitty)
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995

Someon Emus (thaves@aidt.hefoll.owing.com) said...
> have an orgasm?

Orgasms? Orgasms are for the MEEK! An orgasm is what you should experience to let the waitress know that you enjoyed your MEAL! The very name says something about it--how does one have an ORgasm? "Well, there are all sorts of orgasms... the screaming orgasm OR the shaking orgasm OR the bloody orgasm OR the implosion of the eyesocket orgasm...."

Seek ye the ANDgasm! Be not content with having one OR the other OR the other but only ALL at once and BEYOND! An ANDGASM is not merely a

"screaming AND shaking AND bloody AND implosive AND liquidifying AND etc" 'gasm, it is DEATH AND REBIRTH ITSELF!!! In the weeks leading up to an andgasm, your body is pushed not just to the limits of its frail Yetinsyn form, but to the very metaphysical limits of existence itself! As the andgasm rocks through you, the essence of not only your IDGE but all the others that you have ever been near or not even CLOSE to is transubstantiated through you in such force that it quite literally KILLS YOU! Your Nental Ife is OoZucked through you and OUT of you-- grabbing and ripping along with it your last vestiges of mortality! You feel the life SHHHRIPP through your body as though you were the mighty steel sceptre of WOTAN himself, the Godpiss flowing through you and searing you, painfully and excrutiatingly, but at the same time it fulfills your need--it defines what you are: YOU ONLY EXIST TO FACILITATE THIS FLOW OF GODFIRE! IT IS YOU! IT MAKES YOU! IT BECOMES YOU! And this powerful realization, this REBIRTH, is the power that RESURRECTS you. You find yourself being REBORN--nay, REINCARNATED, a godzillion times over! You BECOME every man, woman, Yeti, and squid on this planet! For just a moment, you KNOW what it is to be as a god, and you FINALLY realize just why you'd never WANT to be one! Your feet swell, your spine twists, and your head explodes, only to be seen imploding back together and exploding again as if some cosmic entity can't refrain from playing with the "seek" buttons on his UVCR control! Ooooooooooh....

Eventually... unfortunately... it's all over. If your partner had an andgasm, your Ives will be exchanging phone numbers and promising to "keep in touch". If your partner didn't have one, s/h/it will be dead. If you didn't have a partner, "Bob" himself may be there to congratulate you, for that's a hard way to do it, and to offer his condolences that you'll never walk again. You may find yourself slipping into a coma, or you may suddenly have so much energy to blow off you find yourself in Saskatchewan before your head clears (if it ever does)! It's all up to your foot gland; after such an experience, IT is the only part of your body qualified to make the decision of when you will be physically able to do such difficult and tasking feats as walking, thinking, etc. Trust it! After putting your body through the excrutiating profusion of an andgasm, not only your foot gland, but your entire body will LOVE you! Athletic prowess beyond your wildest dreams! Perfect balance! Climb onto oil-soaked, marble-covered telephone lines in the middle of a hurricane and PRACTICE CARTWHEELS! Levitation! Spontaneous combustion! All that you've dreamed of and more, and you won't even notice, because your mind will still be focused on that ANDGASM... that moment of such exquisite prostration that is now forever burned into your mind. Oh lord... oh man... oh SWEET JESUS will you remember that feeling. That's all that you'll remember.... Your work performance will go straight to hell. At this point, you won't even be able to HEAR. Your ears will be whispering directly to your brain, "Oh lord... oh man... oh SWEET JESUS do you remember that feeling? Oh, WE do... oh lord yes we do. We know we only got the bare peripheral of it, but oh SWEET LORD MAN JESUS do we remember that FEELING! PLEASE do it again! Oh PLEASE do it again!" The HELL with your job! FUCK your job! You WANT this! You NEED this! Oh god, where can I find a prairie squid? Why did my last partner have to die? Hell... a light post, a gerbil, even an assistant manager would do right now! Fuck, where ARE they? Maybe I could find them if my eyes didn't keep turning around to plead with me... I'm TRYING to give you another one! Why aren't you listening to me? Hell, I don't need my eyes! I don't need a partner! I can do it myself... there... okay... wait... oh god... I think... I think... oh... oh, OH SHIT! MY EYES! MY FACE! OH DEAR LORD MY FACE! IT'S... IT'S ON FIRE! I'M BURNING! THIS ISN'T RIGHT! THIS ISN'T HOW IT WAS! THIS ISN'T HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE! OH PLEASE "BOB" OH MAN OH MAN PLEASE "BOB" PLEASE PLEASE MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOPPPPPohfuk....

Of course, this will all seem like a pleasurable hiccup when we're transformed to OverMen. Prepare yourself for the OMNIGASM... I don't know how, but try to prepare yourself....

Reverend(1) Pee Kitty, Rantrash Collector(2) of the order Malkavian-Dobbsian

(1) Okay, not QUITE yet, but I send the check in! I swear it! HOW LONG DOES THE POST OFFICE HAVE TO X-RAY MY PACKAGE BEFORE SENDING IT IN?!? We shouldn't send this kinda stuff through Conspiracy post offices...

(2) Okay, so I happen to subscribe to the theory, "If you can't find something interesting, write it yourself!" Damn it, I'm just trying to inform everyone...<sniff>...I didn't mean to stop traffic, officer, I swear...

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