Here, we mourn the passing of traditional baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. Let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interest of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and standardizing the bases themselves, we present the Newly Revised Guide to the Bases.
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old
- First Base This was almost always kissing, although one guy I know thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.
- Second Base This meant either tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.
- Third Base Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.
- Home Run This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases. And if it was, EVERYONE knew!
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex (a.k.a. the sloppy triple)? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado...
The Newly Revised Guide to the Bases
- On Deck Having plans for a date
- Strike-Out Duh!!
- Walk Kissing
- Bunt Masturbation
- Single Tongue kissing
- Double Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
- Triple Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
- Inside the park home run Oral Sex
- Home Run SEX!!!
- Ground Rule Double Would have sex, but no condom
- Error Condom breaks during sex
- Banned for life for gambling Sex without condom
- Hall of Fame Marriage
Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
- Balk Premature ejaculation
- Pine Tar KY jelly
- Relief pitcher Vibrator
- Rain Delay parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
- Box Seats Waterbed
- Seventh Inning Stretch Unusual positions
- Dead Ball Blue balls / passion cramps
- Florida Snow Cocaine (I know you don't get it...tough.)
- Rookie Virgin
- Minor Leagues Under 18
- Loaded Bases Manage a trois
- Grand Slam Sex three times in twelve hours
- Foul tip Venereal Disease
- Three up and three down impotency
- "All you" Make the first move
- Batting Glove Sexual aide
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with our current clarity.
OLD WAYWe um got to third base I guess and then we um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.
NEW WAYFirst, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.
NEW WAYSo there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.