| Joe Sensitive | |
|---|---|
| "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" | |
| Also known as: | Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup |
| Advantages: | Well-behaved; irons own shirts |
| Disadvantages: | Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy |
| Old Man Grumpus | |
|---|---|
| "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." | |
| Also known as: | Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk |
| Advantages: | Stays put; predictable |
| Disadvantages: | Royal pain in the ass |
| Flinchy | |
|---|---|
| "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." | |
| Also known as: | Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you |
| Advantages: | Jumps entertainingly when startled |
| Disadvantages: | Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle |
| Bigfoot | |
|---|---|
| "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." | |
| Also known as: | Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb |
| Advantages: | Can tote bales; is easily fooled |
| Disadvantages: | Can break you in half, sweats like a pig |
| Lazybones | |
|---|---|
| "Zzzzzz" | |
| Also known as: | Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict |
| Advantages: | Well rested; easy target |
| Disadvantages: | Unlikely to fulfill your dreams |
| The Sneak | |
|---|---|
| "Who, me?" | |
| Also known as: | Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, God Damn Son of a Bitch |
| Advantages: | May feel pangs of guilt |
| Disadvantages: | May be having time of his life |
| Ace of Hearts | |
|---|---|
| "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" | |
| Also known as: | The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster |
| Advantages: | Perpetually aroused |
| Disadvantages: | Perpetually aroused |
| The Dreamer | |
|---|---|
| "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--" | |
| Also known as: | Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool |
| Advantages: | Tells good stories |
| Disadvantages: | Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus" |
| Mr. Right | |
|---|---|
| "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" | |
| Also known as: | Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy |
| Advantages: | Answer to a woman's prayer |
| Disadvantages: | Hunted to extinction |