The Mother Of All Contests!

Right here on the Internet, we will attempt to bring a final resolution to all religious wars, controversy and hypocrisy.

The Rules

The rules are simple. Any religious organization in the world is invited to enter their god. The various gods will be given three challenges to fulfill. These challenges have been chosen because they represent typical accomplishments of most of the present day gods, as well as historical ones. In light of the various literary records, these challenges should be very easy for any god to accomplish.

Only one entry per religion is allowed.

The winner will be the god who completes all three challenges in the least amount of time.

Onlookers may cheer for their god by offering prayers, songs, epithets or verbal abuse.

If your god fails to show, then followers are free to cheer for a more conscientious alternative.

Notice: Representatives of local S.P.C.A.'s, Humane Societies, and P.E.T.A. will be on hand to ensure that no animals are killed or mutilated, even if it is for some primitive sacrifice or common food ritual. God's creatures are in no way to be adversely affected by this religious challenge.

Gods Not Entered

Gods who are unwilling, or unable, to enter this contest will forfeit the right of their representatives to collect money, tithes, land, or any other worldly possessions in their god's name.

The Prizes

The winning god will receive all money, possessions and property held by churches, organizations and representatives of the losing gods. These possessions will be distributed according to the whim of the winner. In addition, in recognition of His/Her/Its superiority, the winning god will be the sole recipient of prayers, entreaties, solicitations, petitions, requests and other forms of begging from all the people in the world.

At the conclusion of this contest, the winner will attend a summit meeting with the world's leaders to implement divine solutions to overpopulation, pollution, corruption, greed, disease, and other ills which plague His/Her/Its creations.

In the eventuality that there is no winner, then all money, property and possessions of all the religions in the world will be turned over to a Committee of Common Sense for distribution to the betterment of conditions of all living creatures. The committee will be made up of representatives chosen especially for their honesty and integrity. All decisions of this committee will be final and binding.

The Challenges

Virgin Impregnated

Gods of any sex are invited. They need not demonstrate any specific skill at love-making, or any parental responsibility. The virgin will be chosen by the Committee of Judges and carefully examined to ensure her virginity is intact. The lady will be kept in total isolation for a period of three months prior to allowing the challenging god to accomplish this task. She will again be examined to make sure that she is definitely barren before the god will be allowed to proceed. The virgin will be kept in isolation for a period of nine months. This should give any god ample time to make a holy child. The child may be of any sexual orientation but should be observably human.

All food and sundries delivered to the maiden must be examined by the Committee of Judges to ensure no turkey basters or other possible insemination paraphernalia get smuggled in. The various gods must impregnate their virgins without any outside assistance whatsoever.

Corpse Raised

Any human corpse in a stage of putrefaction can be entered. The Committee of Judges will examine the body to verify that it is actually dead. The corpse will be locked in a private chamber, where it can be observed objectively. Absolutely no one will be allowed inside the chamber. God must be able to morph through the walls and enter the chamber if this is required to perform the resurrection. The Committee of Judges will determine when the deceased is a cognizant human being again. Revitalizing hibernating hamsters does not count.

Choice of (a) Multitude Fed or (b) Sick Healed

This represents the practical part of the contest. Gods may pick A.) or B).

A.) Gods may chose to heal a physically handicapped person, chosen by the Contest's Committee of Judges. This person will be an amputee. The god must be able to demonstrate, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the ability to perform a miraculous healing by making the missing limb grow back. The limb must be complete and functioning. It does not count if the handicapped person exclaims, "I feel whole again!" There must be a total restoration of the missing limb.

B.) Gods may choose to feed every starving person and creature in an impoverished nation, chosen by the Contest's Committee of Judges. The food must be abundantly apparent for one full year after the acceptance of this particular challenge. The Contest's Committee of Judges will determine that there are no hungry mouths in the chosen country.

Handicapper's Tip Sheet

Pick your champion using this informative scratch sheet , with our tipsters rating the various gods. These statistics are presented so that you may have fun determining which god will be the eventual winner. The Contest Committee is in no way encouraging gambling on the eventual outcome of this contest, where prohibited by law.

Bibliography

A bibliography is provided so you may read up on the qualifications of your chosen god. Compare the attributes of your contender with those of other religions. This could be an invaluable aid to predicting the eventual winner. Additions to this list are gratefully accepted.

How You Can Help

Never over-estimate the intelligence of the Human Race!

What you can do while waiting for the contestants to assemble.

Religious sources of our silly superstitions.

For those of you who wonder who created God, you can also wonder who created these Legions Of Demons.

Caustic (and otherwise) Commentary from intelligent (and otherwise) viewers.

* Check out our * Nominees! *

Other gods had better get their asses in gear (if they have one) or these challengers will win by default.

Your god can earn extra points with these challenges for Super Gods.

Enter Your God Now!

Seriously: If you feel that your god is up to the challenge, contact the author to arrange an impartial panel of judges to set up the conditions of this contest.