101 Things NOT to Say During Sex

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1. But everybody looks funny naked!


2. You woke me up for that?


3. Did I mention the video camera?


4. Do you smell something burning?


5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...


6. Try breathing through your nose.


7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!


8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?


9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?


10. But whipped cream makes me break out.


11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today


12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!


13. Can you please pass me the remote control?


14. Do you accept Visa?


15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.


17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!


18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.


19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?


20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...


21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!


22. Do you get any premium movie channels?


23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!


24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned
this couch!


25. Got any penicillin?


26. But I just brushed my teeth...


27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!


28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!


29. I want a baby!


30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!


31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?


32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...


33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?


34. I think you have it on backwards.


35. When is this supposed to feel good?


36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!


37. You're good enough to do this for a living!


38. Is that blood on the headboard?


39. Did I remember to take my pill?


40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?


41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...


42. That leak better be from the waterbed!


43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!


44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..


45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?


46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..


47. No, really... I do this part better myself!


48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!


49. This would be more fun with a few more people..


50. You're almost as good as my ex!


51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?


52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?


53. You look younger than you feel.


54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.


55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!


56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.


57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...


58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?


59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.


60. What tampon?


61. Have you ever considered liposuction?


62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!


63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?


64. I have a confession...


65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!


66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?


67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?


68. Is that a hanging sculpture?


69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?


70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?


71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!


72. Did you come yet, dear?


73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're
fantasizing about...


74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!


75. Does this count as a date?


76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!


77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.


78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?


79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)


80. When would you like to meet my parents?


81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?


82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?


83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.


84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.


85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?


86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?


87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.


88. Sorry but I don't do toes!


89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!


90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!


91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...


92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".


93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!


94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!


95. Is this a sin too?


96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!


97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?


98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...


99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...


100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?


101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?



Things Never To Say To A Woman After You've Just Made Love



1. What do I do now -- I've never "used" anyone before!


2. The night's still young! Let's pick up some guys!


3. Let's cuddle like Robert Chambers.


4. And now...violence.


5. Stick with me, home girl -- you ain't fucked till you've fucked in a crack
lab.


6. Be careful when you slip on your shoes -- I can't find the condom.


7. Look at the bright side. It's important to learn from our mistakes.


8. Do you have any sisters like you?


9. Mind if I masturbate? We might salvage this yet.


10. I shouldn't have bought condoms at Toys "R" Us.


11. I can save you up to 40 percent on your insurance needs.


12. Hey, hey! The tattoo parlor's open till three o'clock!


13. I have a headache -- have you checked your vagina for radon?


14. It's been great to be here in [name of city]. You've been a wonderful
audience.


15. The horror...the horror...


16. That reminds me -- it's my turn to get the bait.


17. The bad news: I tested positive. The good news: I've got a smashing
design for my segment of the AIDS quilt!


18. "Uhnnnnnngh," or "Uhhhnnnnnggggghhhh"? The editors of Penthouse are
sticklers for detail.


19. Guess I'm not monogamous after all!

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These all are jokes that we've had the good fortune of having other people email to us or we've retrieved off the Internet. Over time, we've sent them on to the subscribers of our various jokes lists. Since we're talking some ten years of managing these emails lists, we've built up a pretty sizeable (and FUNNY) collection of jokes. They cover pretty much any category and topic that you can imagine; from clean jokes to dirty jokes and most everything in between, including the much loved lawyer jokes and the blonde jokes and the yo mama jokes as well as those redneck jokes. Remember, we did NOT author them, but we did take the time to convert the text files to html.

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