Guy talk
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Dear Edward,
I've always wondered just what it is that men
talk to each other about when they're alone.
Or if men talk to each other when they're alone.

Dying of Curiosity

Don't die yet!

I'll be glad to shed what light I can, based on my own research, on the enigma of male conversation. However, to bring some order to the dazzling multiplicity of topics men discuss, I will adopt as a methodological convenience a system of ranking various topics of guy talk according to the level of alcoholic intoxication at which they are most likely to emerge. Please bear in mind that this inventory of topics is merely provisional and far from comprehensive. One obvious
 
 
lacuna is the absence of any sports-related subjects. Guy talk on such matters is ordinarily carried out in an esoteric code (involving retrospective evaluations of various "teams," prognostications on the future performances of said "teams," and a bewildering array of verbal and nonverbal indicators that the discussants actually give a shit) that this researcher has not yet managed to crack.

Topics of guy conversation

(Ranked by blood-alcohol content)

1. LIGHT IMBIBEMENT OF ADULT REFRESHMENTS:

The erotic allure of the unattainable: specifically, cartoon characters (Josie and the Pussycats, Natasha, Blondie, the mom in "The Family Circus," etc.) and fantastically expensive stereophonic components.

Comparative merits of Curly vs. Shemp as role models in an age of absent fathers.

Regressive, scatological humor (e.g., hillbilly jokes).

Jingoist, sexually insecure humor (e.g., Frenchman jokes).

Resentful, embittered humor (e.g., lawyer jokes).

CDs vs. vinyl records--efforts to settle this debate once and for all.

What do women see in ______________? (Fill in name of loathed colleague or celebrity.)

Do rock and roll musicians ever actually experience sexual rejection?

Brief nominations of ones potentially ugly enough to qualify, leading to depressing consensus: Probably not.

Miscellaneous implements of the Good Life: motorcycles, cars, fishing rods, skyscrapers, cigars, bayonets, blimps, fire hoses, power drills, pepperonis, hero sandwiches, high speed semi-automatic assault weapons, tallboy beer cans, Slim Jims, etc.

Comparative female anatomy.

2. MODERATE ALCOHOL IMPAIRMENT:

Humorous discourse recycled verbatim from TV shows, comedy routines, etc., previously witnessed by discussants, motivated by erroneous presumption on part of speakers that retaining and repeating said discourse confers status.

Identification of egregious dickwads among discussants' ostensible friends.

The most beer ever consumed by discussants.

The worst beer ever consumed by discussants.

Missed, wasted, or bumbled opportunities for sexual contact.

An anonymous woman glimpsed by one discussant from a moving automobile in another state five years previously and still the object of tearfully confessed marriage aspirations (discussion shifting to monologue for duration of this topic).

Amusing anecdotes involving boyish, deliberate annoyance of discussants' current or, more likely, past relationship partners.

The Supermodel Debate: Shallow as they seem? Or concealing hidden depths?

Briefs vs. boxers: Implications for comfort, appearance, sperm count.

Is "going commando" a viable third way?

Circumcision: pros and cons (discussion leading directly to next topic).

Castration: cons

The Spectre of Male Sexual Dysfunction (I): Terrors presumably evoked in those other males unfortunate enough to experience it.

Advanced Comparative Female Anatomy.

3. HIGH TOXICITY:

Amusing anecdotes involving betrayal of excess intestinal gases or ill-maintained personal hygiene.

Heterodox urination targets or objectives.

The Spectre of Male Sexual Dysfunction (II): True Confessions.

Primitive Comparative Female Anatomy.

How the guys at this goddamn table are the greatest fuckin' guys in the whole fuckin' world.



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