Dear Edward,
Dying of Curiosity
Don't die yet!
I'll be glad to shed what light I can, based on my own research, on the
enigma of male conversation. However, to bring some order to the
dazzling multiplicity of topics men discuss, I will adopt as a
methodological convenience a system of ranking various topics of guy
talk according to the level of alcoholic intoxication at which they
are most likely to emerge. Please bear in mind that this inventory of
lacuna is the absence of any sports-related subjects. Guy talk on such
matters is ordinarily carried out in an esoteric code (involving
retrospective evaluations of various "teams," prognostications on the
future performances of said "teams," and a bewildering array of verbal
and nonverbal indicators that the discussants actually give a shit)
that this researcher has not yet managed to crack.
Topics of guy conversation
(Ranked by blood-alcohol content)
1. LIGHT IMBIBEMENT OF ADULT REFRESHMENTS:
The erotic allure of the unattainable: specifically,
cartoon characters (Josie and the Pussycats, Natasha,
Blondie, the mom in "The Family Circus," etc.) and
fantastically expensive stereophonic components.
Comparative merits of Curly vs. Shemp as role models
in an age of absent fathers.
Regressive, scatological humor (e.g., hillbilly jokes).
Jingoist, sexually insecure humor (e.g., Frenchman jokes).
Resentful, embittered humor (e.g., lawyer jokes).
CDs vs. vinyl records--efforts to settle this debate once
and for all.
What do women see in ______________? (Fill in name of
loathed colleague or celebrity.)
Do rock and roll musicians ever actually experience
sexual rejection?
Brief nominations of ones potentially ugly enough to
qualify, leading to depressing consensus: Probably not.
Miscellaneous implements of the Good Life: motorcycles,
cars, fishing rods, skyscrapers, cigars, bayonets,
blimps, fire hoses, power drills, pepperonis, hero
sandwiches, high speed semi-automatic assault weapons,
tallboy beer cans, Slim Jims, etc.
Comparative female anatomy.
2. MODERATE ALCOHOL IMPAIRMENT:
Humorous discourse recycled verbatim from TV shows,
comedy routines, etc., previously witnessed by
discussants, motivated by erroneous presumption on
part of speakers that retaining and repeating said
discourse confers status.
Identification of egregious dickwads among discussants'
ostensible friends.
The most beer ever consumed by discussants.
The worst beer ever consumed by discussants.
Missed, wasted, or bumbled opportunities for sexual
contact.
An anonymous woman glimpsed by one discussant from a
moving automobile in another state five years previously
and still the object of tearfully confessed marriage
aspirations (discussion shifting to monologue for
duration of this topic).
Amusing anecdotes involving boyish, deliberate annoyance
of discussants' current or, more likely, past relationship
partners.
The Supermodel Debate: Shallow as they seem? Or
concealing hidden depths?
Briefs vs. boxers: Implications for comfort, appearance,
sperm count.
Is "going commando" a viable third way?
Circumcision: pros and cons (discussion leading directly
to next topic).
Castration: cons
The Spectre of Male Sexual Dysfunction (I): Terrors
presumably evoked in those other males unfortunate enough
to experience it.
Advanced Comparative Female Anatomy.
3. HIGH TOXICITY:
Amusing anecdotes involving betrayal of excess intestinal
gases or ill-maintained personal hygiene.
Heterodox urination targets or objectives.
The Spectre of Male Sexual Dysfunction (II):
True Confessions.
Primitive Comparative Female Anatomy.
How the guys at this goddamn table are the greatest
fuckin' guys in the whole fuckin' world.