If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let
her figure it out by herself.
Lie.
Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
unoriginal, such as "Spike."
If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them
you mailed it to them.
Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregant, will you go
out with me?"
Drink Vernors.
Play with yourself. Talk about it.
Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a
nice grunt will do.
Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it
isn't your fault.
Lie.
Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than
baths.
Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help,
don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever
you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.
If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough
reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations
like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
If, GOD forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use
only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are
permissible.
Two words: Hack and spit.
Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name
in urine.
One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best
friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for
not giving up on her.
Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
Say things like, "Wha...?"
Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend
picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up
chicks.
Lie.
Deny everthing. Everything.
Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her.
Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really
want to know.
Don't have a clue.
If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
No means yes.
Yes means no.
If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will
shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and
locations. Improvise.
Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex
often signifies the end of a relationship.
Feelings? What feelings?
Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If
you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at
anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
Gays?
Do not make decisions about relationships. If you are backed
into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still
must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for
escape. Example:
Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each
day."
Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual
meaning. Do so.
At any given opportunity, point out how things look like
various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure
you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure
it's right.
Lie.
"Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying
it.
A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you
completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back.
Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
Lie.
ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial
things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't
see you.
It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen,
etc.
Complain about not getting any mail. When people finally feel
sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue
complaining.
Lie.
Play with your food only if you are in a public place with
people you don't know.
Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with
people you don't know.
If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing,
don't stop! This is the desired reaction.
You are not a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
You are male, therefore you are superior.
Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with
yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to
please you.
Don't ever notice anything.
If you're going out with someone but you love someone else,
don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with
falls in love with you, and then tell her.
Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity is quality.
Lie.
If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically
you've done nothing wrong.
Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you
have to cry about, anyway?
If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't
know."
Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for you.
If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been
proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and
believable excuses why they are at fault - not you.
Don't ever let anyone say, "I told you so." If you hear this
phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around
until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this
takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot"
and others will worship your skills.
Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought
about sex. Compare with others.
Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long
and loud.
Lie.
General Rule: Different is bad.
If anyone asks you for a favor...
a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it,
b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least
every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long
run.
If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want
to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't
talk to you, casually ask, "Is something wrong?"
Three words: Let's be friends.
Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad
for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I
want to be your friend.
Lie.
If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation,
tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I
was such a pimp back then."
Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave
and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the
bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should
go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (True story.)
If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with
someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know,
she's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls
on top.
Practice your blank stare.
Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up
your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of
your ass.
If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions
like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random,
inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
If you are asked to do something you really don't want to do,
first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't
work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain
that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions
on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it
for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you
possibly can and then say, "see?? I told you I couldn't do
it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful
than it already is. When people ask if you've been working
out, say things like, "No, baby, I was born like this!"
Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd,
or Oldies.
Beer. Then more beer.
Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
One word: football!
Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't
want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do
we???
Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with
"The Gang".
Lie.
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About JokeTribe
These all are jokes that we've had the good fortune of having other people
email to us or we've retrieved off the Internet. Over time, we've sent them on
to the subscribers of our various jokes lists.
Since we're talking some ten years of managing these emails lists, we've built
up a pretty sizeable (and FUNNY) collection of jokes. They cover pretty much
any category and topic that you can imagine; from clean jokes to dirty jokes
and most everything in between, including the much loved lawyer jokes and the
blonde jokes and the yo mama jokes as well as those redneck jokes.
Remember, we did NOT author them, but we did take the time to convert the text
files to html.
If you are certain of the authorship of any of these,
email us the author's name
along with relevant information on how we can verify that they truly are the
author so we can give them the credit that they deserve.
