A new priest was so nervous before conducting his first mass he could
hardly speak. After the mass, he asked the monsignor how he had
done. The monsignor replied, "When I'm worried about getting
nervous, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass, then, if I
start to get nervous, I take a sip." So, the following Sunday, the
new priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he began to get nervous, and took a drink. He proceeded to
talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after the mass, he
found the following note from the monsignor on his door.
- Sip the vodka, don't gulp it.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus wan consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not sell his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as J.C.
- The father, son, and the holy ghost are not referred to as daddy,
junior, and the spook.
- David slew goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
- We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Super, he said, "take
this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "eat me!"
- The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub a dub dub,
thanks for the grub."