The Net before Christmas
JokeTribe - THE Best College Humor Archive of Funny Jokes
'Twas the day before Christmas, and in everyone's cube
all the phones were on standby (lest helpcalls intrude).
The sales team was hung out the window with care,
("Dont drop them too early - let's watch them tread air!")

The admins were wired, strungout on caffeine.
(They haven't been snug in bed since halloween).
And most of the rest of our people were gone,
Working from home (heh, or drunk on the lawn).

When then in my mailbox I got such a spam,
I sprang to Eudora to examine this jam.
"Unsolicited email. Commercial at that."
I decided to put on my net nazi hat.

Then out to the net I went, trying to track it,

and stop it forever, to the very last packet.
Headers and Whois and Traceroutes galore,
IPs and IDs... I still needed more...

"Who would it be" - that thought driving me on,
I followed it's netrail. Then happened upon
their DNS address, the last needed clue.
"chris @ cringle.com". Can it be true?

"An imposter", I thought, with a .com not an .org.
Then I rethought my thinking, and quick as a borg
I realized that .com may be right anyway,
with all of the focus on 'gimme' today.

I had to keep Christmas alive on the net,
and recast the focus on give, and not get.
And so with a drag, and a drop, and a click,
I determined the target: it must be St. Nick.

What would it be then - a simple complaint?
But no, I was worked up beyond such restraint.
I'd use all the thruput of all our T3s,
routers and workstations, macs and PCs.

Electrons as if from a super collider,
then complain to his mailbox, and to his provider.
A volley of coredumps? A pingbomb attack?
I paused for a second, and was taken aback.

What was I doing? This wasn't the way
to better the net, and on Christmas eve day!
And you know? I'll bet Santa wasn't even at fault.
Some clueless net marketer duped the old salt!

So I wrote a nice letter, addressed to Chris Cringle,
asking he checkout some guys effort to mingle
his giving of gifts, with a make-money goal.
(And replace the guys harddrive with a nice lump of coal.)

I deleted the spam mail. Shut down for the day,
(Netscape was starting to crash anyway).
Then turned off the lights and stepped out the door.
As for spam mail and junk mail, I knew there'd be more.

When I return after Christmas, the net still would be full,
of Make-Money!, Buy-This!, and all of that bull.
I'd rant and I'd rave then. I'd roll out the Cray.
I'd hound them for spamming.. But.. just not today. :-)

Merry Christmas to everyone - Happy New Year!
Fill up on the holiday, pass 'round the cheer.
It's not about money, or giving to get.
And I wish us all Peace on Earth,
and too, Peace On Net.

Rick Duffy, Christmas 1996
duffy @ csn.org



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These all are jokes that we've had the good fortune of having other people email to us or we've retrieved off the Internet. Over time, we've sent them on to the subscribers of our various jokes lists. Since we're talking some ten years of managing these emails lists, we've built up a pretty sizeable (and FUNNY) collection of jokes. They cover pretty much any category and topic that you can imagine; from clean jokes to dirty jokes and most everything in between, including the much loved lawyer jokes and the blonde jokes and the yo mama jokes as well as those redneck jokes. Remember, we did NOT author them, but we did take the time to convert the text files to html.

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