HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND BE DABOMB
a Christmas Story by Lupus Yonderboy (asuter@Xenon.Stanford.EDU (Lupus Yonderboy))
Santa "The Claw" Claus looked down the table at the other mafia bosses. All the families were represented. Gambino, Genovisse, Corleone, Luciano, even the Sinatras put in an appearance. Santa motioned for one of the black-suited elves to hand him the paper he was holding.
"This is how's it going to be, see," said Santa, "Mrs. Claus and me are sick of youse guys moving in on our turf." He read from the paper, "Gambino: Naughty. Genovisse: Naughty. Corleone: Naughty. Luciano: Naughty. Frank Sinatra: Nice, the rest of the Sinatras: Naughty."
"He made the list and checked it twice," intoned the elf.
"Youse naughty punks are going to get the hell out of Dodge," said Santa, "Me and Frank are runnings things now."
"You can't do this," shouted Don Corleone, leaping from his seat, "My boys'll murderize ya!"
"I don't think so," said the elf, "Hope you enjoyed yer almond Christmas cookies. All natural. All cyanide."
Just then Elliot Ness and the rest of the Untouchables burst through the door, guns drawn.
"Hands up, HANDS UP! You're all under arrest! Tax evasion all around," gloated Ness, looking at Santa, "Your brand of vigilante fontier justice is over, Claus, we finally got you."
Don Corleone grabbed Ness' pantleg, "You got to help us. That bastard Claus poisoned us."
Santa sat back in his chair, allowing himself a hearty belly laugh, "Ho ho ho, Ness, you got nothing on me."
Ness gave Santa his best dead look, "How about two billion counts of unlawful entry this year alone. You scope out the places Christmas Eve then come back and have your elves hit them weeks later. We've already got Rudolf and your other Capos behind bars."
Santa just smiled, put his finger beside his nose, and disappeared up the chimney he was seated in front of. As he made his escape, Ness could hear him shout, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night," followed by his trademarked evil laugh.
"Curses," cursed Elliot Ness, "We'll get him yet. At least we got Sinatra."
Frank Sinatra looked right into the camera, "Dooby dooby doo. That's why that saint is a tramp."