From: Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: New help for the downsized
Layoff Pro from Bellyup Software, Novato, ca.
Customer Profile: Layoff Pro is aimed at the following group. -- Employees.
Multiple Resume Formats - Layoff Pro has over 20 editable resume formats, each designed to be both eye-catching and impressive, giving new luster to the same old job experience. Popular formats include:
Senior Software Engineer - Regardless of where it is printed, your resume will look like it came from a dot matrix printer. It
includes acronym generator (AG), and random mis-speller (RM).Both are used to give a genuine techie feel.
Technical Writer - Your qualifications and abilities are explained in words and phrases so simple even a user could understand them. Correct grammar, punctuation, and spelling guaranteed.
Project Manager - Using the special thesaurus with only positive adjectives, you can turn termination into career adjustment opportunity with just the click of a key. Jargon expander algorithm makes you sound like an expert without knowing anything.
Job Prospect Database - Updated quarterly to remove any companies that have had recent layoffs of their own.
Cover Letter Generator - Uses our patented auto brag technology, which enables you to claim sole responsibility for any project you were even remotely involved with.
Letters of Reference - Choose from Bill Gates, John Scully, Scott McNeilly, Hillary Clinton, and other heavy weights. Includes imitation letterhead.
Layoff Etiquette - Layoff Pro includes an online guide to proper office behavior under the stress of layoffs, either real or impending. Topics include spotting the next layoff, exit interview do's and don'ts, investment opportunities for severance pay, and inexpensive disguises for the unemployment office.
Quick Erase - This feature lets you quickly and permanently erase any embarrassing personal letters or game software from your hard disk, or any disk accessible through a network connection. Not to be used for any important company data.