Excuses For Missing Work

JokeTribe - THE Best College Humor Archive of Funny Jokes


If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told
me to clean all the guns today.


When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.


I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an
hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop,
reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop
only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks
in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled
up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.


My stigmata's acting up.


I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who
fired me for not showing up for work. OK?


I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that
deadline to meet...


I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.


Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how
about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No,
no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.


Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.


I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.


The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw
restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.


The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.


I prefer to remain an enigma.


My step mother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her
coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day
should do it.


I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is
completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.


I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.


I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.


I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.


I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!


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About JokeTribe


These all are jokes that we've had the good fortune of having other people email to us or we've retrieved off the Internet. Over time, we've sent them on to the subscribers of our various jokes lists. Since we're talking some ten years of managing these emails lists, we've built up a pretty sizeable (and FUNNY) collection of jokes. They cover pretty much any category and topic that you can imagine; from clean jokes to dirty jokes and most everything in between, including the much loved lawyer jokes and the blonde jokes and the yo mama jokes as well as those redneck jokes. Remember, we did NOT author them, but we did take the time to convert the text files to html.

If you are certain of the authorship of any of these, email us the author's name along with relevant information on how we can verify that they truly are the author so we can give them the credit that they deserve.