Star Trek: The lost episodes

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Pichard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
access their command pathways?"


Geordi"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."


<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.>


<Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"


<Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate."


Pichard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"


Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a
new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources
increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able
to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability
will be taken over and none will be available for their normal
operational functions."


Pichard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."


... . . 15 Minutes Later . . .


Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
expected 'upgrade'."


Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."


Pichard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their
is something we have missed."


Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the
plan by not sending in their registration cards.


Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."


<Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity
has suddenly dropped to 0% !"


Pichard "Data, what does your scanners show?"


Data "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."


Pichard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce
their functionality."


... . . Two Hours Pass . . .


Riker "Geordi whats the status on the Borg?"


Geordi "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something
called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.


Pichard "How much time will that buy us ?"


Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
time span of 6 more hours."


Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."


Pichard "Identify."


Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
logo"


<Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"


Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."


Pichard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"


Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward
the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the
tortures of deep space ?!"


Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits"


<Riker and Pichard together horrified> "Lawyers !!"


Geordi "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."


Data "True, but appearently some must have survived."


Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
all types of papers."


Data "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' it
often proves fatal."


Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"


Pichard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even
the Borg deserve that."


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These all are jokes that we've had the good fortune of having other people email to us or we've retrieved off the Internet. Over time, we've sent them on to the subscribers of our various jokes lists. Since we're talking some ten years of managing these emails lists, we've built up a pretty sizeable (and FUNNY) collection of jokes. They cover pretty much any category and topic that you can imagine; from clean jokes to dirty jokes and most everything in between, including the much loved lawyer jokes and the blonde jokes and the yo mama jokes as well as those redneck jokes. Remember, we did NOT author them, but we did take the time to convert the text files to html.

If you are certain of the authorship of any of these, email us the author's name along with relevant information on how we can verify that they truly are the author so we can give them the credit that they deserve.

 

 

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