From the New York Times (and you're damned right I got a lot of nerve; what are ya gonna do about it? for those that couldn't figure out from the first two lines, this is NOT real):
AOL SHUT DOWN BY GOVERNMENT AGENCIESby Chris Burke
In a move shocking millions of Americans, the United States government has decided to close down the operation of America Online because of their blatantly illegal overbilling practices and indifference to illegal pornographic material. The problems, which have allegedly been happening for two and one half years, recently came to the attention of government once the President's own family came victim to these two pronounced problems.
The billing problem occurred just this month; Chelsea Clinton, who is a regular user of the service, once received an America Online deduction from the credit card for over $52 million dollars. Thinking it nothing out of the ordinary, she easily paid, but later realized that they had overcharged her $30 once she carefully examined the records.
The President was infuriated over the illegal activities. "This fucking shit has got to stop," stated President Clinton at a recent press conference. "I'm sick and tried of this fucking shit. They've been fucking us over, and its way past time to shove the force of the law up their ass."
President Clinton later explained that he was under the influence of considerable stress when making these statements. Hillary Clinton confirmed that her husband had no sanction when making these statements and did not necessarily reflect the official position of the White House, however she has yet to announce what the official stance will be on these issues at presstime two days ago.
President Clinton was also upset to learn that a man allegedly named Bret Aguilar has been sending illegally indecent e-mail through the computer online service attempting to lure Chelsea off the system. Chelsea was later recovered at a train station bound for Los Angeles where this pedophile is supposed to reside. Police are still searching the area, but have yet to find the man. The computer records on AOL show a series of chat room conferences between Bret and Chelsea including many propositions and requests for naked pictures of the President's daughter. Many such images were found in transit on the America Online mainframe; they were stopped and deleted before they could be downloaded.
"We have a situation ... that requires an immediate and firm response," stated Attorney General Janet Reno in a recent press release, defending her decision to shut down America Online from one discontented reporter. "We simply cannot allow services that allow this behavior to continue." She states that this action is a necessary response, and feels it solidifies the 'tough on crime' image she is trying to project to the public, so important in the upcoming elections. "We hope this action affirms our commitment to justice."
While the response to the decision is largely positive, several analysts saw some problems with this decision. "It is a shame," said one market analyst, "that one of the top players in the field of Internet communications should be dismantled so quickly." However, most users of the Internet saw this as a positive move. "They were not the leading developers of the Internet," argued one disgruntled poster, "they were the leading destroyers of the Internet!" She received much praise for this statement, and experts agree.
Steve Case, President and CEO of America Online, is still arguing that his policies are not illegal, however legal analysts found his statements more amusing than anything else. AOL's policies, which have allegedly cost users an estimated six hundred million, clearly violate sixteen legal codes. Case was unyielding in his conviction. "We have long been committed to honesty to our customers," stated Case on his way to a detention center. "We have broken no laws. This is revenge, plain and simple, on the part of the President regarding a personal matter."
Most Republican leaders have yet to comment on this, however Bob Dole strongly supported President Clinton's action. "Probably the first good thing the son-of-a-bitch motherfucker has ever done," he stated, smiling. "I'm glad that the bastard is finally on the right track." President Clinton's approval ratings have already started to rise, however a recent statement by the Republicans that they would have supported public beating of Case put the republicans higher than ever before, and President Clinton back in the straights.
While Steve Case's illegal activities have been halted, some members of congress feel that additional legislative actions regarding indecency on the Internet is appropriate for the other services providing access to the Internet. Senator Exon, who pushed legislature regarding indecency on the Internet into law, known as the infamous Communications Decency Act, now supports further legal measures to be taken. "I believed that the legislature that we recently have put into law was enough. However, when the President's daughter can be lured away, that is a strong reminder of the dangers of the brave new world out there, and an even stronger reminder of the need to put it under restrictive government control."
The Christian Coalition, a strong supporter or Senator Exon, stated that they agreed with his sentiments. "These cybersurfers are strongly antichristian in nature. The reasonable course of action would be to remove any non or antichristian material from the Internet." Lawmakers seem to agree. There is also interest in screening of up till recently private e-mail. Exon argued, "the only people that will care are those that have something to hide." The ACLU was unhappy with these new laws already being put through congress, stating sarcastically, "why don't we have mind control too? That seems to be the next logical step." Exon stated, somewhat deadpan, "one thing at a time."
Senator Exon was present during Steve Case's arrest. While being dragged out of his office by police, Steve Case made the symbol of the swastika from his fingers, displaying it to Exon, and gave Exon a Nazi salute. Exon allegedly called out "changing over to our side now won't save you."
While initially reminded that AOL was a strong supporter of censorship, he was later inquired about the implications of his statement. Exon said first that he had simply had a slip of the tongue, but later denied making any such statements. The public was skeptical, but were led easily astray, as the public always is.
Although the trial has yet to take place, Case is to be convicted with the death penalty. His public beating and death by slow torture will occur at 5 PM, March 15, under the Washington monument, and will be broadcast live in stereo on most major network stations, 5 PM EST, March 15, until 7 PM EST the following day. AOL will be shut down on March 20th; the extra time is to allow users to find alternate services. However, after that time all equipment shall be seized by the government.
Tom Finley, email@example.com
AOL Sucks! See why at http://www.en.com/users/tfinley/
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