The Tis bottle

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A very wealthy man was driving along, when he came to a bridge, and saw a miserable-looking man preparing to jump from it. Slamming on the brakes, he jumped out of the car and yelled, "Don't jump!" He tried to be consoling. "Did you lose your job? Did your wife leave you? Are you dying?" No, no, no. "Then why on earth would you want to kill yourself?" "I broke my tis bottle, and I'll never get another one," he said. "But I'm a wealthy man! I'll buy you another one, if it means your life," he offered. "Thanks, but there are only three left in the world, and they are so hard to get," he replied.

The rich man would not be deterred. He got in his helicopter and flew to New York, to get one of the world's three remaining tis bottles, which was on top of the Empire State building." Weary, he returned to the bridge, and held out the tis bottle to the shaking hands of the grateful recipient. But the man was so nervous that he dropped the tis bottle, which shattered on the ground. The man (gee, let's call him Bob) dashed toward the edge of the bridge, but Fred (did I mention his name was Fred?) grabbed him and hauled him back. "Let me die," begged Bob, "for I have broken the tis bottle, and I shall never have another."

"Don't do it," said Fred. "You said there were three tis bottles, so there must be one left! Where do I have to go?" So he headed off to Paris in his jet to get the second tis bottle, which was on top of the Eiffel Tower. Days later he returned to the bridge, and handed the tis bottle to Bob. Bob began to dance gleefully, and in the throes of his joy, he dropped the tis bottle, which shattered. Fred rushed knowingly to him and said, "Look! Don't panic! There is another tis bottle! I will get it! I will guard it with my life!"

So Fred trekked deep into the jungles of Africa, and through much trial, many painful insect bites, and a week laid up with an unusual fever, he retrieved the last tis bottle from the dungeons of a forgotten city guarded by menacing, mutated white apes. After a week in a disease control center, he returned to the bridge, and there he found Bob, staring, waiting puppy dog-like for his last hope, the last tis bottle.

This time, Fred was ready, and caught the tis bottle when Bob dropped it. "Bob, " he said, "Let me carry the bottle to your house for you." Bob sheepishly agreed, and they went to his home, where Fred followed Bob into the cellar. There in the cellar were infinite rows of what resembled wine racks, containing thousands upon thousands of tiny bottles, with no vacant spaces, except the one to which Bob took Fred. Bob rubbed his hands together with excitement as Fred slid the bottle into its place. "Now tell me, " he asked, "Why, why, why, with all these bottles, was this one so important?"

Bob stiffened with pride. "I'm a patriotic man," he sternly replied. Seeing Fred's puzzled expression, he reached for a small wand hanging on the wall nearby. With it he tapped one at a time on the row of bottles containing the tis bottle, and to Fred's amazement, each one made a musical note, and Bob sang along,

"My country, tis of thee.."


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These all are jokes that we've had the good fortune of having other people email to us or we've retrieved off the Internet. Over time, we've sent them on to the subscribers of our various jokes lists. Since we're talking some ten years of managing these emails lists, we've built up a pretty sizeable (and FUNNY) collection of jokes. They cover pretty much any category and topic that you can imagine; from clean jokes to dirty jokes and most everything in between, including the much loved lawyer jokes and the blonde jokes and the yo mama jokes as well as those redneck jokes. Remember, we did NOT author them, but we did take the time to convert the text files to html.

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