Steven Wright classics

JokeTribe - THE Best College Humor Archive of Funny Jokes
Here are some Steven Wright classics, enjoy......

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.
They couldn't help me.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.

I was an only child...eventually.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
So I had to buy them again.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.
Every once in a while I turn it on and off.
One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music.
Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them.
Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I have an answering machine in my car.
It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road.
I don't know how I got there.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and................. oohh, that's much better.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the w
orld. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I Xeroxed a mirror.
Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

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About JokeTribe

These all are jokes that we've had the good fortune of having other people email to us or we've retrieved off the Internet. Over time, we've sent them on to the subscribers of our various jokes lists. Since we're talking some ten years of managing these emails lists, we've built up a pretty sizeable (and FUNNY) collection of jokes. They cover pretty much any category and topic that you can imagine; from clean jokes to dirty jokes and most everything in between, including the much loved lawyer jokes and the blonde jokes and the yo mama jokes as well as those redneck jokes. Remember, we did NOT author them, but we did take the time to convert the text files to html.

If you are certain of the authorship of any of these, email us the author's name along with relevant information on how we can verify that they truly are the author so we can give them the credit that they deserve.