The Five Stages of Drinking

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It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You
get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your
friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at
level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as
long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".


It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20
minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again,
but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now
you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for
anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours
sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".




One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just
spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're
thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!"
At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy
a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you
like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we
bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it.
Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little
bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come
on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of
blood (snap fingers), I'm cool.".


Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you
ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time
on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the
bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking,
"Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your
friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of
you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you
actually think to yourself, " long as I'm only going to get
a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!!
Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting
looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work
for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow


Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back
at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"),
you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar
with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's
the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in.
I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I
can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of
thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress
with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday
I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and
screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl
outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the
sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk
out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or
jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's
Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's
like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then
that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then,
"I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!"
And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

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These all are jokes that we've had the good fortune of having other people email to us or we've retrieved off the Internet. Over time, we've sent them on to the subscribers of our various jokes lists. Since we're talking some ten years of managing these emails lists, we've built up a pretty sizeable (and FUNNY) collection of jokes. They cover pretty much any category and topic that you can imagine; from clean jokes to dirty jokes and most everything in between, including the much loved lawyer jokes and the blonde jokes and the yo mama jokes as well as those redneck jokes. Remember, we did NOT author them, but we did take the time to convert the text files to html.

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