Ask Dr. Internet

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Last week, I posted to NETTRAIN an alternate Dr. Internet column that appeared mysteriously on my terminal one morning. I inadvertently ascribed that column to our janitor, who sometimes uses my workstation when I forget to logout. In fact, there has apparently been a cockroach jumping up and down on my keyboard, typing out this nonsense.

Regardless, the number of people asking me to provide another Alternate Dr. Internet column barely outnumbered the people threatening legal action, so here it is.


1. How Do I Get Documents Into Emailable Format?

With the rapid development of word processors into complicated document processing programs, it has become increasingly difficult to use them for generating the simple text used by most e-mail programs. I usually recommend two strategies.
The easiest solution by far is to print the document, run it through a scanner, save it as a compressed TIFF file, and send it as a MIME attachment to a regular e-mail message. Since the person receiving the message may not have an e-mail program that can handle MIME attachments, it's usually wise to re-type the body of the document just to be on the safe side.
The second solution is to use a program specifically designed to process simple text. Two common examples are the Very Intuitive editor and the Easily Mastered ASCII Creation System.
2. What is a MIME attachment?
One of the earliest examples of non-text communication is the mime, that charming street artist who rather than saying "Look, I'm trapped in a box" prefers to show you what it's like to be trapped in a box. This sense of communicative efficiency is preserved today in a mechanism that allows you to send any kind of non-text file (say, a drawing of a person in a box) as e-mail.
Other connections between street art and the computing world are well documented; many programmers are clumsy jugglers or bad magicians, and several are noted for standing in the hallway holding out an empty Seven-11 coffee cup and haranguing passing coworkers who decline to give them change.
3. What Is Happening With The PC Market?
I normally refer questions about the PC market to Dr. Desktop, since the Internet is really a network of Unix workstations. However, it is well documented that computers double in speed every 18 months. This is often presented as a significant fact, which it undoubtedly is.
4. Do You Know Anything About "Johnny Mnemonic?"
The Dr. Internet household is usually limited to watching movies on videotape, so I'll limit my comments on information technology to last summer's Keanu Reeves movie, "Speed." There are two essential points to remember about this movie, the first being that Dennis Hopper's mad bomber character *could* have picked up all his mad bombing tricks from the Internet, which should therefore be subjected to strict government censorship.
The second essential element is that "Speed" co-starred Sandra Bullock. I don't wish to belabor the point, but maybe your seven dollars would be better spent at "While You Were Sleeping."
5. What About That "Email/Etext" Virus We Heard About?
Viruses on the Internet are nothing to sneeze at. They are a serious risk; for example, reading an e-mail message with the line...
...will send a subliminal message along your optic nerve to the visual cortex, which is right next to the digital cortex, which may cause your fingers to type commands that reformat your hard drive. Most Internet users will tell you that the best protection against this problem is to back up frequently; when reading through your new e-mail you should regularly back up to the previous message. This will cause any subliminal message to be transmitted in reverse, which clears their effect and also lets you in on secrets about important musical personalities.
Another useful tip is to take a deep breath and concentrate on the GOOD TIMES you have had in the past.

Tune in next time for Ask Dr. Internet--

"I have a master's Internet!"

Dr. Internet, Master of All Knowledge
Benedictine On the Rocks With a Twist
No official connection to Dr. Science

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About JokeTribe

These all are jokes that we've had the good fortune of having other people email to us or we've retrieved off the Internet. Over time, we've sent them on to the subscribers of our various jokes lists. Since we're talking some ten years of managing these emails lists, we've built up a pretty sizeable (and FUNNY) collection of jokes. They cover pretty much any category and topic that you can imagine; from clean jokes to dirty jokes and most everything in between, including the much loved lawyer jokes and the blonde jokes and the yo mama jokes as well as those redneck jokes. Remember, we did NOT author them, but we did take the time to convert the text files to html.

If you are certain of the authorship of any of these, email us the author's name along with relevant information on how we can verify that they truly are the author so we can give them the credit that they deserve.