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Tech Support Nietzsche Style

(Allegedly) From: John Farrell <J.Farrell@isode.com>

Tech Support Nietzsche Style

Guidelines:

When a user is calling in need of help, don't forget that he is a weakling. Only a loser would need to come groveling to you, begging for crumbs of help that may fall from your godlike lips. And he KNOWS that he is a loser in the race of the weak and the strong, that his kind is doomed to extinction. Therefore, show him no mercy. Treat him with the utter contempt that he deserves. It is the law of nature that you should do so.

Key Phrases:

"You aren't very smart, are you?"

"I can't believe you call yourself a programmer!"

"Our product is obviously too complex and advanced for you. Please desist from using it - you are soiling it."

Nevertheless, there may come a time when you actually must help the user, even though he is sucking away your magnificent intellectual vitality with his grotesque shambling confusion. He is a lower form of life and you must make him feel it, lest he take on ambitions of evolving to your level.

Key Phrases:

"Now I will read aloud the section of the manual that you failed to comprehend."

"You have ignominiously blundered on line 35, committing an error that a Mongoloid programming an abacus would be ashamed of."

"What you've done in your function foo is the coding equivalent of failing to empty your colostomy bag."

Alas, upon occasion there comes a time when it is obvious that the compiler is at fault. This is no reason to let the user feel superior to anyone, however. The design of a compiler is still far beyond his limited mental capacities. His duty is to worship, not criticize.

Key Phrases:

"The inner workings of the compiler are far beyond your antlike comprehension."

"That behavior is described in ANSI specification 21.11.45.7.3.8. You are familiar with that section, I assume..."

"Our software can behave in that manner only if it has been corrupted by long exposure to users of your caliber."

And finally, a user may eventually want you to code something for him, or send him an example. The user has asked something that is against the laws of nature. Such creatures as himself exist to serve you and not you him. Therefore such a request is impossible and against nature, and does not exist, and therefore never happened. Response is not possible.

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These all are jokes that we've had the good fortune of having other people email to us or we've retrieved off the Internet. Over time, we've sent them on to the subscribers of our various jokes lists. Since we're talking some ten years of managing these emails lists, we've built up a pretty sizeable (and FUNNY) collection of jokes. They cover pretty much any category and topic that you can imagine; from clean jokes to dirty jokes and most everything in between, including the much loved lawyer jokes and the blonde jokes and the yo mama jokes as well as those redneck jokes. Remember, we did NOT author them, but we did take the time to convert the text files to html.

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The difference between web surfing with IE and Firefox is the difference between body armor and a trendy cotton vest

We've all heard the stories. Stories about innocently searching the internet with Internet Explorer when, all of a sudden, all the alarms are going off with your virus scanner. Programs are installing themselves. Warnings about Smitfraud-C, SpyAxe, and Vcodec are popping up on your screen.

And some of us have had firsthand experience. Firsthand experience that has led us away from IE and to other browsers like Firefox.

And why is that? Well, virus writers are generally going to be trying to get the most bang for their buck, ,just like everyone else. That's why. And IE currently provides them with that. It still has the largest market share, likely due in large part that it comes preinstalled on most computers.

But just because it's preinstalled doesn't mean you have to use it and expose yourself to all the spyware and virii targetted to it. You can do what an ever growing portion of users out there are doing. You can switch to

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