-- David B. Lewis, Computer Defense News
Redmond, WA (AP) -- In a surprising announcement today, Microsoft, the PC
software giant, revealed that it is forming a biological weapons division.
The division will begin its operations by acquiring the office refrigerator
of Integrated Computer Solutions, a small Cambridge, MA, software firm.
Microsoft has often entered new markets by acquiring the technology of much
smaller rivals. Casper Weinberger, named head of the operation, explained
that Microsoft's own programmers don't generate the sorts of leftovers which
make good weapons. "We just couldn't duplicate the potent combination of
mildewed spaghetti, stale pizza, and moldering take-out Chinese and Indian
food that we find here." Mr. Weinberger promised that the new division would
be able to analyze the ICS property and culture it successfully.
Critics, reacting to the announcement, doubted that Microsoft could produce a
biological weapon on the proposed schedule. Microsoft has a history of
delaying the introduction of new products; its flagship Windows 95 product
is several months late.
"Many people have viewed Windows software as a virus anyway," Mr. Weinberger
said, "so moving into biological technology isn't that much of a stretch for
Microsoft. We can do it on schedule." He dismissed the notion, however, that
Microsoft has been known for producing buggy code.
The new division has tentatively been named "Micro-Organism"; it will be
headquartered in Reston, VA, home of the US Army Bio-Hazards Laboratory.
Microsoft stock closed up 1 1/8 on the news.