New MS Biological Warfare Division
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-- David B. Lewis, Computer Defense News

Redmond, WA (AP) -- In a surprising announcement today, Microsoft, the PC software giant, revealed that it is forming a biological weapons division. The division will begin its operations by acquiring the office refrigerator of Integrated Computer Solutions, a small Cambridge, MA, software firm.

Microsoft has often entered new markets by acquiring the technology of much smaller rivals. Casper Weinberger, named head of the operation, explained that Microsoft's own programmers don't generate the sorts of leftovers which make good weapons. "We just couldn't duplicate the potent combination of mildewed spaghetti, stale pizza, and moldering take-out Chinese and Indian food that we find here." Mr. Weinberger promised that the new division would be able to analyze the ICS property and culture it successfully.

Critics, reacting to the announcement, doubted that Microsoft could produce a biological weapon on the proposed schedule. Microsoft has a history of delaying the introduction of new products; its flagship Windows 95 product is several months late.

"Many people have viewed Windows software as a virus anyway," Mr. Weinberger said, "so moving into biological technology isn't that much of a stretch for Microsoft. We can do it on schedule." He dismissed the notion, however, that Microsoft has been known for producing buggy code.

The new division has tentatively been named "Micro-Organism"; it will be headquartered in Reston, VA, home of the US Army Bio-Hazards Laboratory.

Microsoft stock closed up 1 1/8 on the news.

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