by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
Note: Any resemblance of names in this article to actual large
powerful corporations capable of destroying mere mortal humans like
sparrows in a jet turbine is, um, pure coincidence. Really.
- Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting
pond.
- Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they
make your butt look big.
- Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.
- Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer
to consume its now unwanted contents.
- At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
- Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD
prices are in pesos or rubles.
- Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
- Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...
- ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're
"astronaut food".
- Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from
Dianetics.
- Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
- Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and
insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange
look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
- Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears.
- Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in
clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
- Test mattresses in your pajamas.
- Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
- If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for
an hour while rocking from side to side.
- Sprint up the down escalator.
- Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers
whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".
- Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in
Spanish.
- Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
- Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular
saw cuts through bone.
- At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and
whether there's much meat on them.
- Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
- Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
- Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with
your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
- Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting
that you lost a contact lens.
- Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the
color of your beard.
- In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see
London, I see France..."
- Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and
wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
- Play the tuba for change.
- Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My
Hotrod".
- Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform
gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
- Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will
"give you a really wicked buzz".
- Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have "any giant
crap made out of straw".
- "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace
display.
- Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious
tracts.
- Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you
around in it.
- Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing
"Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream
if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
- Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department
wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling
"scratch one flattop!"
- Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and
scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".
- "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of
explosion noises.
- Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and
down.
- Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke
arguments over whether they're real.
- If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
- Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department
stores and say "Domino's."
- Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to
scratch yourself.
- At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
- Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether
they've seen this man."
- Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes
later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't
turned blue yet.
