50 Fun Things to do in a Mall

JokeTribe - THE Best College Humor Archive of Funny Jokes

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

Note: Any resemblance of names in this article to actual large
powerful corporations capable of destroying mere mortal humans like
sparrows in a jet turbine is, um, pure coincidence. Really.

  1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting
  2. Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they
    make your butt look big.
  3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.
  4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer
    to consume its now unwanted contents.
  5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

  6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD
    prices are in pesos or rubles.
  7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
  8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...
  9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're
    "astronaut food".
  10. Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from
  11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
  12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and
    insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange
    look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
  13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears.
  14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in
    clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
  15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
  16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
  17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for
    an hour while rocking from side to side.
  18. Sprint up the down escalator.
  19. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers
    whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".
  20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in
  21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
  22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular
    saw cuts through bone.
  23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and
    whether there's much meat on them.
  24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
  25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
  26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with
    your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
  27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting
    that you lost a contact lens.
  28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the
    color of your beard.
  29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see
    London, I see France..."
  30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and
    wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
  31. Play the tuba for change.
  32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My
  33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform
    gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
  34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will
    "give you a really wicked buzz".
  35. Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have "any giant
    crap made out of straw".
  36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace
  37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious
  38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you
    around in it.
  39. Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing
    "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream
    if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
  40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department
    wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling
    "scratch one flattop!"
  41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and
    scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".
  42. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of
    explosion noises.
  43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and
  44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke
    arguments over whether they're real.
  45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
  46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department
    stores and say "Domino's."
  47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to
    scratch yourself.
  48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
  49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether
    they've seen this man."
  50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes
    later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't
    turned blue yet.

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These all are jokes that we've had the good fortune of having other people email to us or we've retrieved off the Internet. Over time, we've sent them on to the subscribers of our various jokes lists. Since we're talking some ten years of managing these emails lists, we've built up a pretty sizeable (and FUNNY) collection of jokes. They cover pretty much any category and topic that you can imagine; from clean jokes to dirty jokes and most everything in between, including the much loved lawyer jokes and the blonde jokes and the yo mama jokes as well as those redneck jokes. Remember, we did NOT author them, but we did take the time to convert the text files to html.

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