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50 Fun Things to do in a Mall |
by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
Note: Any resemblance of names in this article to actual large powerful corporations capable of destroying mere mortal humans like sparrows in a jet turbine is, um, pure coincidence. Really.
- Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
- Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
- Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.
- Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
- At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
- Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD
prices are in pesos or rubles.
- Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
- Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...
- ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food".
- Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
- Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
- Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
- Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears.
- Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
- Test mattresses in your pajamas.
- Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
- If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
- Sprint up the down escalator.
- Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".
- Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in Spanish.
- Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
- Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
- At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
- Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
- Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
- Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
- Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
- Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
- In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."
- Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
- Play the tuba for change.
- Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".
- Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
- Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz".
- Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw".
- "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
- Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
- Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
- Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
- Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!"
- Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".
- "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
- Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
- Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.
- If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
- Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."
- Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
- At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
- Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."
- Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
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