Elephant hunter recognization guide

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In order to hunt elephants:

A programmer

  1. Begins at the tip of South Africa;
  2. Performs alternating west to east and east to west searches;
  3. Decrements the latitude argument in a non integer sequence between each search;
  4. Finds an animal;
  5. Compares found animal to a known elephant;
  6. If found animal matches known elephant terminates search else resumes at 3;
  7. end.

An assembly language programmer

Will perform the same search on hands and knees.

An experienced programmer

Places an elephant in Cairo, Egypt to ensure that the search will terminate properly before initiating the above.

A really experienced programmer

Either :
  1. Places the elephant JUST OFF-SHORE from Cairo, Egypt; or
  2. Ensures that the elephant placed in Cairo is sky-blue and scarlet with purple spots, green stripes and yellow polka-dots, in order to distinguish it from any elephant which may have been hiding there already.

An engineer

After determining that an elephant is mammal, gray and weighs 3.628739*(10^3) Kg, will begin the search collecting all gray mammals. When the sum of the weight of all the collected gray mammals equals the specified weight of an elephant, +/- 10% , the search will be terminated.

Consultants

Don't actually hunt elephants and indeed may never have hunted elephants, but they can be hired at great expense by the hour, plus expenses, to advise those who do.
This will include the time it takes to find out what an elephant is.

An accountant

  1. Will formulate a monthly budget, design a Elephant Journal Entry format, a Batch Logging book, add appropriate accounts (both P&L and B/S), and a list of approved authorisors for Journals.
  2. Enter accruals for the estimated numbers to be caught per month.
  3. As elephants are caught, Journal them into the appropriate period and reverse out the accruals.
  4. Keep the droppings in a filing cabinet for audit purposes.

A mathematician

Will first develop a hypothesis supporting the existence of a unique elephant before proceeding with the search as a subordinate operation, collecting all animals found, testing them against the hypothesis and discarding all that don't fit.

A professor of mathematics

Will first develop a hypothesis supporting the existence of a unique elephant before sending his/her students on the search, requiring that they collect all animals found, test them against the hypothesis, and bring all matching animals to him for publication.

Statisticians

Hunt the first animal they encounter `n' times and call it an elephant.

Trickle-down economists

Don't hunt elephants. They believe that if you give the elephants a small tax incentive, they will hunt themselves.

Politicians

Don't hunt elephants but will share any elephants YOU catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers

Don't hunt elephants, but they do follow herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

Software lawyers

Will claim that they know who owns the entire herd based on the look and feel of one pile of droppings.

MBAs

Only hunt elephants they can see from where they're standing.

Senior Management

Sets broad elephant hunting policies based on the assumption that elephants are just like big field mice, but with deeper voices.

CEOs

May try to hunt elephants but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the CEO does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the CEO sees them. If the CEO does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, the staff will:
  1. Compliment the CEO's keen eyesight, and
  2. Enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Quality assurance staff

Ignore the elephants and spend their time looking for mistakes the hunters made while packing the jeep.

Sales staff

Don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants the hunters haven't caught yet, and promising delivery two days before the opening of elephant hunting season.

Software Sales staff

Ship the first thing they catch, write up an invoice for an elephant, modify the documentation to match and promise a real elephant at the next update.

Hardware sales staff

Catch rabbits, paint them grey and sell them as laptop elephants.

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These all are jokes that we've had the good fortune of having other people email to us or we've retrieved off the Internet. Over time, we've sent them on to the subscribers of our various jokes lists. Since we're talking some ten years of managing these emails lists, we've built up a pretty sizeable (and FUNNY) collection of jokes. They cover pretty much any category and topic that you can imagine; from clean jokes to dirty jokes and most everything in between, including the much loved lawyer jokes and the blonde jokes and the yo mama jokes as well as those redneck jokes. Remember, we did NOT author them, but we did take the time to convert the text files to html.

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