Cat Bathing as a Martial Art

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Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean.
They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new,
improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.



I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've
been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the
corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.



The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in
the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like
a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."



When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might
consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:



-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for

human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting
the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase
him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I
recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if
you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can
shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift
positions.)



-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your
body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect
yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of
steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak
jacket.



-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have
a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty
shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you
are lying on your back in the water.



-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry
him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have
little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain
that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)



-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single
liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door
shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the
wildest 45 seconds of your life.



Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is
radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds
at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of
shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby
rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect
too much.)



-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the
most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just
getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just
been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg.
You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait.
(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If
this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward
your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just
reach down and dry the cat.



In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually
have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his
back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster
figurine.



You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he
is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next
time you decide to give him a bath.



But at least now he smells a lot better.

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