If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of
the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future,
don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret
identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save
money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said,
"How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray
vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably
say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say,
"No way! Get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going
to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to
an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned
down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought
it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real
Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone.
"Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better
treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that
rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a
high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by
meteorites and not even feel it.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a
six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if
some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's
carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody
else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a
soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody
would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the
soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a
I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone
would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows."
Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they
had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say
you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has
been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon
pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He
might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just
say, "Think again, bat man."
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the
earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.