HOT FLASH!
House Speaker Newt Gingrich announced at a press conference
today that up to 25% of President Clinton's cabinet and staff
appointees have masturbated at some time during their public service
careers. When pressed for his sources, Gingrich cited unnamed
undercover operatives hired by the Republican National Committee.
He also acknowledged the use of surveillance equipment placed in White
House washrooms at the request of a special House oversight committee.
Rep. Gingrich said that subpoenas were being prepared for the accused
Democrats, and he also called for a joint FBI/NEA investigation to
identify the persons who taught them how to masturbate, and to determine
whether federal funds were involved.
The White House press office responded in a prepared statement. In it
the President dismissed the allegations of Rep. Gingrich: "Our staff
members must pass very stiff credential checks. If I became aware of
moral depravity in any of these individuals, I would personally see to
it that they were yanked." The President was also quoted as saying "I
tried masturbation once during my youth, but I did not climax."
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