Microsoft announced today their purchase of the rights to the
Rolling Stones song,
Satisfaction", for use in their Windows '95 advertising blitz.
The song's theme, "I Can't Get No...Satisfaction" is to become the
slogan for the entire Windows marketing effort. "We decided to
finally tell the truth about our OS", said Microsoft CEO Bill
Gates, "Because, the fact is, with our longstanding monopoly in the
operating systems market, we no longer feel the need to satisfy our
In an exclusive interview, Gates admitted that "Everyone has
known all along that Windows is a complete loss. We know that we
will never produce a workable operating system so long as we try to
maintain reverse compatibility, and it's clear that nobody wants an
operating system that isn't fully Windows 3.1 and DOS compatible.
We screwed the world a long time ago, and there's no point in
denying it anymore. Consequently, we no longer feel the need to
pretend to care about our users, and our advertising campaign
Asked why Microsoft is advertising a product that they know they
will sell anyway, Gates responds, "Why not? We have so much money
now that we don't know what to do with it. Besides, after buying
rights to most of the world's great art, I figured we might as well
start picking away at some cultural icons. After all, if
corporations didn't step in to manage artistic experiences, people
might use the art to develop ideas of their own, and that would be
a marketing disaster."
Rolling Stones vocalist Mick Jagger told reporters "Yeah, I
said they could have [the song] when hell freezes over." Inspired
by this, a Microsoft lawyer immediately parachuted into Jagger's
estate carrying a quill pen and a vial of blood. It has not been
determined whether Jagger actually signed an agreement, but sources
have confirmed the existence of a secret, multimillion dollar
operation to pump liquid nitrogen into abandoned oil wells, which
some claim is associated with this pact. Satan, the president and
CEO of Hell, could not be reached for comment, but rumors of his
close ties with Gates have been circulating for years. A recent
request to L.L. Bean, the prominent mail-order clothing company,
for thousands of "brimstone-resistant" wool caps with "two holes in
the forehead" of each provides further evidence of imminent
climactic change in the underworld.
An anonymous Apple Computer evangelist expressed mixed feelings
about the announcement. "If you look at the real theme of this
song", he explained, "it's about sexual inadequacy. You see why
Microsoft has been so successful. They're marketing software to the
intellectual equivalent of frustrated teenage virgins, and they
identify with the pain of never getting what they want."
Asked if Apple is going to use this opportunity to increase its
market share, he continued: "Absolutely. Our new operating system,
code named 'Copland', is going to be the center of a huge
multi-media experience. We're going to go to the mountains and have
an orchestra play Copland's 'Appalachian Spring' in the middle of
an empty field, while a hundred interpretive dancers wrapped in
aluminum foil express the joy of being a Macintosh user. We're sure
that this will gain us a major foothold in the business world."
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