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Microsoft's marketing algorithm in C:

/* Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE): */

#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
if (there_are_still_bugs)
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bit architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
while (vapourware)
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
if (there_is_another_company)
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);

void bugfix(void)
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/

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