Continued research has disclosed new sex-linked traits in adult
humans. Latest findings from our labs indicate the following dif-
ferences which will help you to tell men and women apart in the dark
without resorting to the sort of behavior that Miss Manners finds
objectionable.
Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -
he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-
regular basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out
to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".
Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you,
and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know
there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate
You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made
at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to
help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Making friends:
A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things to-
gether, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or psych-
iatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken sentimen-
tality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a jerk, I
guess you're OK."
Sex:
The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every morn-
ing, or maybe both if he's under 30. The average woman would like to have
sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds
of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the fore-
play.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
school romances rarely work.
Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on.
Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it
out.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, tooth-
paste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the
Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the
female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and
lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at
the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from
women.
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge
are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopp-
ing. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on
Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.
Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go
out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her make-
up...
Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't look-
ing, men kick cats.
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with
wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that and he will look
like a lounge singer named Vic.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional and psychological, and biological changes. The
nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in men provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys avaitor glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves and goes shopping for a
Porsche.
The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her
girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same
friend and they will talk for three hours.
Low Blows:
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on television.
One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee.
That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who
admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
Richard Gere (see also -- Patrick Swayze):
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men
hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at
the health club and dates only married women.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.
Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage answer the phone, red a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
for: weddings, funerals.
Nudity in Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced
by a 'man'. The only actor who has appeared nude in the movies is
Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
haircut.
Clothes:
Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt he
wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
Politics:
Men love to talk politics, but often forget to do political things
such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of
Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics because they will be
able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football,
and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly
as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in
abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and
THEY NEVER LIE!
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take
his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet
beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age
of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession
with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive
and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car
phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small
robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that
blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.
Plants:
A woman asks a man to water the plants while she is on vacation.
The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later to an
apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men
talk about "the bachelor party".
Shoes:
The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the
floor of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women
wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of
clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Nicknames:
With the exception of female bodybuilders who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike,
Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
Eating:
A woman will generally admire an ornate desert for the artistic work
it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before she
reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge.
A man will start by grabbing the cherry in the center.
Car repair:
The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
fixed without special tools".
The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an accurate
description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the car
serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than the
typical male.
Trust:
The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
OTHER friends, however.
The average man won't say anything if he knows that one of his
friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if his mate is
having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one of his
friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, so
they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
Driving:
A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
price their policies accordingly.
A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
her makeup.
Shopping:
It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men.
Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he
will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition.
He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in
color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him
half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally ac-
complished his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook.
Women shop to relax.
Mustaches:
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and
Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.
Eating out:
... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw
in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want
change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket
calculators.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women
are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface: mirrors , spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's
head.
Directions:
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men
consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for
directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying
things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I
know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state
of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking
better pictures.
Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men
use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they
watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in
garages.
Movies:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
in "Public Enemy."
Cheerleaders:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.
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